my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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