I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
