I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
