I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If that was your dad, he is hot
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
