Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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