ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
