Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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