did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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