i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
