How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
