tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
