The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
