Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
