My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
our cab driver is having phone sex.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
