I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
