You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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