I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
