dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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