Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is classic penis vs brain.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
