I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
