rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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