Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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