My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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