every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Come see our sink grown plant.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
