the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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