I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
