Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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