Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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