did you get engaged???
I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
