i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
