But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
