you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
