I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
