You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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