mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
