I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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