Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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