I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
