I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
