There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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