Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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