Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
