I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Randomize
