Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
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he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
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