I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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