now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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