i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
