I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
