dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
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