Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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