you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
