We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
