You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
