I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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