; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
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did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
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I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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