is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
