I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
